Wow, I can not believe its so long since I wrote on here.
I have had so much happen that I would have liked to share, it just seems so hard to put pen to paper
( fingers to keypad). I am so afraid I will forget things but seem unable to share.
I read the amazing strength giving Blogs of other lovely widows and think what to I have to contribute?
I am in the midst of 'getting on with life' and 'scared of leaving my beloved behind'.
It seems to be easier just to get on with what God has given me to do, but the the guilt hits me.
Am I forgetting our times? Will I never be able to sit and think of Him and our times together without the pain? So is it easier not to?I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE HIM BEHIND! But he is gone. And I must live on.
The word I have received from God is 'Make a Difference' so Am I making a difference? A mixture of excitement and dread. Lord I pray for - - - whatever you have planned for me. Amen. Bless you for visiting xx

Hello there, it's been a while but I have been so tired and not knowing what to say apart from moaning about widowhood ! But today I spoke to a lovely lady about Tutoring. This came about because I read an article in Woman Alive Magazine about this Lady and the web site she created about resources for teaching children to read. This has always been a passion of mine and David's. So, I contacted her through the site and said I felt God had directed me to this. After some research and mind sorting I arranged to call her for a chat. It was such a lovely time and she was so encouraging. As we finished our call and spoke about our future she said that she and her husband are going to the south of England to check out the place for a retirement home, and when they are on their way back to their home could they call and we could meet up!! How great is that - from a magazine article to meeting up. God is amazing. Watch this space. Bless you xx

Salvation........or not?

It's difficult to know where to start, when writing a discourse on whether someone was saved or not, even if that someone was the closest person in life (and death) to you.Where to start?

Well I have always known God but did not know Jesus as my Lord and saviour until 1992, 12 years into my marriage to David. I could write at length about how David supported everything I did within the church and was always there in the background, but never at a service apart from something special, he even read my Baptismal verse, now how amazing was that?? When there were events to be attended or managed. He has supported the church financially , physically and in many ways over the years.

Now, when it comes to believing in a God, he always said he didn't know, and, actually confessed to me that he would have liked to have a faith but, David being a logical, intellectual sort of man had to dissect things he could believe what he couldn't see, very like Thomas!! He loved visiting old church buildings cathedrals etc. We have a lot in the UK. He also had a very catholic taste in music and his favourite piece which always reduced him to tears is Mahler's 2nd the Resurrection, which I had played at his funeral service and if you get the opportunity to read the words that were put to the music they are quite amazing for someone to be moved so dramatically who does not believe.

When David became ill, the church prayed and visited, they showed the love of Jesus by doing all they could to make our lives as bearable and easy as possible. The Pastor became a frequent visitor along with other church members who gently spoke to David about God, His word and salvation. David was mostly very respectful of peoples opinions,a very laid back patient sort of chap and was happy to listen and also accept scriptures that I felt God had given me to read to him. The Word that God gave to me as David was diagnosed is Psalm 107 vv17-22. 'Some became fools through their rebellious ways and suffered affliction because of their iniquities. They loathed all food and drew near the gates of death. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent forth His word and healed them; He rescued them from the grave. Let them give thanks to the Lord for His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for men Let them sacrifice thank-offerings and tell of His works with songs of joy.'

David's illness began by losing his appetite,  the very thing he had always enjoyed, I am quite a good cook, encouraged to experiment by David since the day we were married and when we had anything to celebrate we went out to eat, we attended lots of farmers markets and food shows during our 33 years together. So you can imagine my shock on receiving this verse. It came just out of the blue the day before he was admitted to ICU in February 2011, 7 months before he passed away, the time I call 'the beginning of the end.'

I asked him many times to ask Jesus into his life and he always said he couldn't be a hypocrite. A very well read, intelligent man, there was no antagonism about my faith or bringing up the kids in the church when they were small, I have many saved friends whose husbands will not even speak about God, so in that way God blessed me so much with a tolerant, loving, honest and understanding husband.

People visiting David in his last days have tried to comfort me by saying they believe he came to know God but I am sure my heavenly Father would have found a way to let me be at Peace about it if that was the case.

It has been so hard to imagine that I will not see Him when I get to heaven, as after the months of suffering the end came very suddenly and I was not prepared at all. 

Although I have lost other family members, my mum died 6 years ago suddenly and God showed me something that I acknowledged as a sign my mum made her peace with God, but two years later my Dad passed away, although I was estranged from him at the time and wasn't told of his death until recently, I could be fairly sure he didn't, I feel sad about that but could do nothing about it.

I could go round and round in circles about this but the only word of comfort God gave when I asked was 'TRUST' which I am doing. I cannot guess what actually happens at the time of death and why after giving me this lovely man, (and that is another story all together)  God should take him way in this cruel fashion. 
I only know that God loves me and there is more left for me to do alone.

God Bless you for reading this xxx Linda

Well, its such a long time since I have written anything about my journey, apart from short comments on Widows sites.I have such a lot going through my head and heart, just having trouble putting them down on paper(computer). When I read the ladies comments about their journalling, I wonder if I will forget and miss something that God wants me to remember about this time. I did start to write at the beginning of the journey but it seems to have dried up. It is our 33rd Wedding Anniversary on Saturday 21st April I have read that some widows don't think to say it is still their day, but although he is no longer here and my vows said till death do us part, I still feel like its still relevant to us.
It will be seven months since my beloved died, on Sunday 22nd April. And 31 years on the 25th April since our lovely daughter went to be with Jesus. Dates follow us round don't they. I am not sure how I will feel next weekend. I have been invited to a Christening on the Sunday, really not sure about that one. God is speaking to me, I know this today, I was disobedient yesterday, and He had to reveal His will to me more clearly today, but then it was too late to act, nothing major, thank goodness. I am not yet sure where He is leading me for the future, so it will have to remain baby steps one day at a time. I hope to return here more often so I thank you for stopping by and may the Lord bless you.

Hi folks I know its a while since I posted but I got really fed up with writing depressing posts so I guessed you would get fed up of reading them :) Well, today I felt a shift and actually felt a lightness in my spirit as I walked to church this morning, there was a change in the atmosphere and a new feel about the worship, I could feel God speaking to me and although my heart is still broken I can feel the band-aid as He is binding it. I give God all the glory and am not even going to ask why now, just enjoying the difference. May The Lord bless you and give you the desires of you heart. Linda xx

Really was feeling God's hand in my circumstances last week, then all of a sudden a complete change of heart and mood. It seems from other blogs that this is a natural occurrence in grief, but it is so upside down, not sure I understand it and defo don't like it xx

The weather outside is........... cold, and snowy .....but I am hoping it will be bright tomorrow. Planning a trip to  a cultural craft market but the weathers not looking too promising. This month is a year after what I feel was the beginning of the end, so I am trying to write down as much as I can and get it out of my system, mainly on widows site where I know I am safe. I was going to play hooky from church tomorrow, I know, I know, but maybe the weather has put a stop to that. We'll see.