Wow, I can not believe its so long since I wrote on here.
I have had so much happen that I would have liked to share, it just seems so hard to put pen to paper
( fingers to keypad). I am so afraid I will forget things but seem unable to share.
I read the amazing strength giving Blogs of other lovely widows and think what to I have to contribute?
I am in the midst of 'getting on with life' and 'scared of leaving my beloved behind'.
It seems to be easier just to get on with what God has given me to do, but the the guilt hits me.
Am I forgetting our times? Will I never be able to sit and think of Him and our times together without the pain? So is it easier not to?I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE HIM BEHIND! But he is gone. And I must live on.
The word I have received from God is 'Make a Difference' so Am I making a difference? A mixture of excitement and dread. Lord I pray for - - - whatever you have planned for me. Amen. Bless you for visiting xx

Hello there, it's been a while but I have been so tired and not knowing what to say apart from moaning about widowhood ! But today I spoke to a lovely lady about Tutoring. This came about because I read an article in Woman Alive Magazine about this Lady and the web site she created about resources for teaching children to read. This has always been a passion of mine and David's. So, I contacted her through the site and said I felt God had directed me to this. After some research and mind sorting I arranged to call her for a chat. It was such a lovely time and she was so encouraging. As we finished our call and spoke about our future she said that she and her husband are going to the south of England to check out the place for a retirement home, and when they are on their way back to their home could they call and we could meet up!! How great is that - from a magazine article to meeting up. God is amazing. Watch this space. Bless you xx

Salvation........or not?

It's difficult to know where to start, when writing a discourse on whether someone was saved or not, even if that someone was the closest person in life (and death) to you.Where to start?

Well I have always known God but did not know Jesus as my Lord and saviour until 1992, 12 years into my marriage to David. I could write at length about how David supported everything I did within the church and was always there in the background, but never at a service apart from something special, he even read my Baptismal verse, now how amazing was that?? When there were events to be attended or managed. He has supported the church financially , physically and in many ways over the years.

Now, when it comes to believing in a God, he always said he didn't know, and, actually confessed to me that he would have liked to have a faith but, David being a logical, intellectual sort of man had to dissect things he could believe what he couldn't see, very like Thomas!! He loved visiting old church buildings cathedrals etc. We have a lot in the UK. He also had a very catholic taste in music and his favourite piece which always reduced him to tears is Mahler's 2nd the Resurrection, which I had played at his funeral service and if you get the opportunity to read the words that were put to the music they are quite amazing for someone to be moved so dramatically who does not believe.

When David became ill, the church prayed and visited, they showed the love of Jesus by doing all they could to make our lives as bearable and easy as possible. The Pastor became a frequent visitor along with other church members who gently spoke to David about God, His word and salvation. David was mostly very respectful of peoples opinions,a very laid back patient sort of chap and was happy to listen and also accept scriptures that I felt God had given me to read to him. The Word that God gave to me as David was diagnosed is Psalm 107 vv17-22. 'Some became fools through their rebellious ways and suffered affliction because of their iniquities. They loathed all food and drew near the gates of death. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent forth His word and healed them; He rescued them from the grave. Let them give thanks to the Lord for His unfailing love and His wonderful deeds for men Let them sacrifice thank-offerings and tell of His works with songs of joy.'

David's illness began by losing his appetite,  the very thing he had always enjoyed, I am quite a good cook, encouraged to experiment by David since the day we were married and when we had anything to celebrate we went out to eat, we attended lots of farmers markets and food shows during our 33 years together. So you can imagine my shock on receiving this verse. It came just out of the blue the day before he was admitted to ICU in February 2011, 7 months before he passed away, the time I call 'the beginning of the end.'

I asked him many times to ask Jesus into his life and he always said he couldn't be a hypocrite. A very well read, intelligent man, there was no antagonism about my faith or bringing up the kids in the church when they were small, I have many saved friends whose husbands will not even speak about God, so in that way God blessed me so much with a tolerant, loving, honest and understanding husband.

People visiting David in his last days have tried to comfort me by saying they believe he came to know God but I am sure my heavenly Father would have found a way to let me be at Peace about it if that was the case.

It has been so hard to imagine that I will not see Him when I get to heaven, as after the months of suffering the end came very suddenly and I was not prepared at all. 

Although I have lost other family members, my mum died 6 years ago suddenly and God showed me something that I acknowledged as a sign my mum made her peace with God, but two years later my Dad passed away, although I was estranged from him at the time and wasn't told of his death until recently, I could be fairly sure he didn't, I feel sad about that but could do nothing about it.

I could go round and round in circles about this but the only word of comfort God gave when I asked was 'TRUST' which I am doing. I cannot guess what actually happens at the time of death and why after giving me this lovely man, (and that is another story all together)  God should take him way in this cruel fashion. 
I only know that God loves me and there is more left for me to do alone.

God Bless you for reading this xxx Linda

Well, its such a long time since I have written anything about my journey, apart from short comments on Widows sites.I have such a lot going through my head and heart, just having trouble putting them down on paper(computer). When I read the ladies comments about their journalling, I wonder if I will forget and miss something that God wants me to remember about this time. I did start to write at the beginning of the journey but it seems to have dried up. It is our 33rd Wedding Anniversary on Saturday 21st April I have read that some widows don't think to say it is still their day, but although he is no longer here and my vows said till death do us part, I still feel like its still relevant to us.
It will be seven months since my beloved died, on Sunday 22nd April. And 31 years on the 25th April since our lovely daughter went to be with Jesus. Dates follow us round don't they. I am not sure how I will feel next weekend. I have been invited to a Christening on the Sunday, really not sure about that one. God is speaking to me, I know this today, I was disobedient yesterday, and He had to reveal His will to me more clearly today, but then it was too late to act, nothing major, thank goodness. I am not yet sure where He is leading me for the future, so it will have to remain baby steps one day at a time. I hope to return here more often so I thank you for stopping by and may the Lord bless you.

Hi folks I know its a while since I posted but I got really fed up with writing depressing posts so I guessed you would get fed up of reading them :) Well, today I felt a shift and actually felt a lightness in my spirit as I walked to church this morning, there was a change in the atmosphere and a new feel about the worship, I could feel God speaking to me and although my heart is still broken I can feel the band-aid as He is binding it. I give God all the glory and am not even going to ask why now, just enjoying the difference. May The Lord bless you and give you the desires of you heart. Linda xx

Really was feeling God's hand in my circumstances last week, then all of a sudden a complete change of heart and mood. It seems from other blogs that this is a natural occurrence in grief, but it is so upside down, not sure I understand it and defo don't like it xx

The weather outside is........... cold, and snowy .....but I am hoping it will be bright tomorrow. Planning a trip to  a cultural craft market but the weathers not looking too promising. This month is a year after what I feel was the beginning of the end, so I am trying to write down as much as I can and get it out of my system, mainly on widows site where I know I am safe. I was going to play hooky from church tomorrow, I know, I know, but maybe the weather has put a stop to that. We'll see.

My little Edie pops and family came home from holiday on last Thursday it was good to have them home. Both Mum and Dad had been invited to separate birthday parties on Saturday so I took the opportunity to have her overnight. You know when young women say they are far too young to be grandparents? Well, I think I'm far too old! At 57 I know it's no to old, but having a lively 17month old round the house once more is such hard work. You know, the simple things like taking a 'potty' break as Renee Swope so eloquently puts it, is a no no unless you take her with you :)

I am the administrator at church and do the notices on Sunday morning so need to be up there at around 10 and usually people want info and for me to do stuff but its difficult with a buggy in hand, the worship was great she loves music, then I entered the iner sanctum of 'The Creche' Nooooooooo.

It was great really but by the time I got home and did lunch I really needed her to take a nap.
I had a ball and no doubt I will be eager to do it again, grandchildren are as another of my lovely Blog widows puts it ' Chicken Soup for the Soul'. Hope you have a great week girls. Will be back with news of my new venture @ church The Well Coffee Shop. This was put on hold when David became ill but I think now is the time to re-launch....watch this space Big Love xoxoxoxox Linda xoxoxox Hugs and kisses

First of many?

Well the evening was a success. Even after the enemy had conspired to make my day unpleasant. But was so blessed to have people come and pray and have fellowship in my home once more, even better (sorry men) to have eleven Christian Ladies praying for their 
children families and the ones going through a hard time at our church. (Only cried quietly once) The food was awesome and very chocolatey!!! But we did have some savouries too. 

I shared about Lifeboat, widow2widow and the other widows ministries in the US, we prayed specifically for them.
So blessed. Thank you Lord for counting me worthy to serve You.

Is this the beginning of something?

Ladies Prayer Supper tomorrow night, now how on earth did I volunteer to host this? Really panicking now, but actually looking forward to it. Will have to shop after work for more nibbles there are twice as many ladies coming than I had planned for. God, are you drawing your daughters together and towards you?I do hope so.

It is so strange, but I have never really felt comfortable in ladies company, I'm not a girly girl or good at chatting, but you seem to keep drawing me into arranging Ladies Events and situations where I can help and support them, funny, as I do find it difficult to accept help.

day 1 of hols

This is the first day of my daughter and the gangs holiday. The plane journey was great and Edie even had a nap, much to their relief. The apartment is amazing and its nice and sunny. So I am really pleased for them and am happily waiting for them to come home next week. Need to find stuff to fill my time till then. Hmmmm what to do, oh yes Lord, what will you have me do today? lol

Holidays

My lovely daughter and family have gone on a much needed holiday today to the Canaries. I am so jealous, but I think a bit scared that they are going away, I think I feel deserted but I know I have no reason to. Grief is such a strange emotion. Can't wait to find out all the great things they did when they come back.

Still tired...

Not sure what's happening just now.After  feeling I was turning a corner when I went back to work, this week I have been so tired. Really have no energy, don't think its a medical thing, well hope not anyway. Hoping it will pass after a couple of quiet weekend days.

My little treasure Edie pops is growing up so fast, I notices when they came over yesterday that she is getting to be a little girl now and not a baby.

God knows our every need

Morning friends, today I was meant to meet up with my very special girlfriend. I was so looking forward to it, or so I thought. I have been really tired recently and put it down to going back to work and getting back involved with life. As I was making some soup and scones for our lunch I received news that she could not come as her Granddaughter was sick and she needed to stay home to look after her. I couldn't believe it but I was relieved and I immediately realised how tired I was and how I just needed a day to myself (and God). The scripture 'I know your every need' (para) came to mind. Even if we don't know God does and acts accordingly thank you Lord.

Learning from others

Hi all, I have been checking out lots of  Widows Blogs, Widows sites and on-line resources since NY. All Christian. There are some wonderful and amazing Blogs out there, just wish I had a handle on what I was doing on mine lol. If the instructions are any more complex than a straight forward do this and that will happen, I'm stumped. I'm still not sure if people can actually access my Blog properly. I know I have a few followers and a couple of people have commented. Thank you sooo much to you.
I am leaning about being a Widow from WCP, widow2widow with Elaine, the girls @ A Widows Might and links from these through Facebook  have proved great support. I have enjoyed learning about the word Widow. Before I became one I would not have thought too deeply about it, but it seems like it has been a lifebelt for me since David passed and I was no longer a wife, I think I have actually enjoyed using it as an identity. I am three and half months since losing my other half of me and things are definitely 'different' not in ways I would have thought but in ways I cannot yet understand. After the initial trauma and devastation my life seems to have got back to very similar as it was before, just minus my Beloved. I feel Gods presence much more leading me. I had to go back to work, eventually as I no longer had David's income just a small pension and some government funding and as I am a church administrator and finance officer dealing with people a lot of the time I have to put what's happening in my life to one side and get on with the job, this seems to have helped take away the raw edge of grief. I am Trusting God and praying that all things are not going to come crashing down on me I am not doing this in my own strength, that this is God upholding me with His mighty right hand. Bless you for stopping by. :) (((((((HUGS)))))))

No place like home

Was invited out to a Polish friends house that I haven't been to since David was taken ill, it was lovely but their culture is if you visit you stay for a while. Although I enjoyed her company after a few hours I really needed to get home. I hope this goes away soon.

Holiday over - thankgoodness

First proper day back at work today. Wasn't really looking forward to it but, not surprisingly after asking God to change my spirit of heaviness for a garment of praise it was okay. Really praying for direction,lots of reading materials have come tome recently and I know I have to consider carefully where to go and what to study at this time. Prayers for direction would be really appreciated. Blessings to you all xx

Lunch Out

Hiya folks, had lunch out at my eldest Sons, (Andrew) with his girlfriend Anja who was down from Edinburgh for Christmas where she is studying gor her Phd i n Law. Lovely peaceful time and time to get across some things about how I wasdealing with Davids death via Anja to Andrew who would not probably accepted them if I was alone speaking to him. Thank you Lord xx

2012

well here we are 2012. I feel like I am just carrying on as before. Nothing has changed in my life apart from the fact my beloved is no longer waling by my side. I am so scared that when something changes I wont be able to deal with it.